We have so been looking forward to the release of Moda's “lil Red” fabric. For some reason, when I was a kid, this was one of my favorite stories. My kindergarten teacher had me memorize the story to recite along with her topsy turvy doll in front of all the parents one night. . . the result was my Grandma bought me my own topsy turvy doll (that the third child gave a buzz cut to a mere 20 years later) and I had a life long
appreciation of the story.
Until I had kids...and suddenly, so many things about the story just seemed...wrong. I mean, what kind of parents send their kids out in to woods ALONE with food? Why was the wolf trying on Grannie's clothes instead of just gobbling Red up in the first place?
Apparently I'm not the only one with questions. We recently unearthed this investigative report. It made me feel much better about the situation. I can quilt with my Lil Red Fabric in peace with the knowledge that the situation truly ended as it should.
The story of Little Red Riding hood will reveal the trials that face many families, from overworked parents, placing too much responsibilty on the oldest sibling, the dangers of allowing young children to
wander “safe” neighbor hoods unescorted, and parents of young children trying to provide care to an older generation.
Descriptions from neighbors and friends of the Red family will attest to the fact that the familyʼs resources were stretched thin, the father worked long hours, and Redʼs mother was not only trying to start a home bakery business, but she was also home schooling Little Red and her younger siblings. All of these contributing factors led to the poor decision to allow her daughter to wander through the woods unescorted.
Little Red was the first of four children born to her parents. Her father, a farm laborer, and her mother, a housewife, quickly welcomed three more children to the fold. The house was lively, but happy and relatively stress free until a suddenness illness struck Little Redʼs grandmother. Little Red's Mother
became stretched very thin, and Red started exhibbitting behavioral issues.
“That poor Woman was trying to school those kids, start her own business, and take care of her poor Mother.” One neighbor was heard to sympathize.
One “close friend of the family” was less charitable. “Once the Grandmother took ill that house went to H-E-double hockey sticks in a hand basket. Kids playing outside at all hours of the day, the Mom constantly sending Little Red out on deliveries by herself. . .No one was watching out for anyone! I would have helped but I have hypochondriac issue in my little toe. Oh the hours that has kept me awake!!! I have been to two doctors and three natural healers and no one has been able to give me some relief! My youngest daughter from three villages over was sopposed to be helping me--------”( It was here that the tape ran out during the interview. Thankfully.)
Another neighbor was quick to place the blame on Little Red. “That child was always
wandering around. Time after time I would hear that mother calling out. “Stay on the Path Little Red. Stay in the yard Red. Donʼt talk to Strangers Red. Donʼt shove a basket full of yummy smelling food
under a Wolfs nose Red. ” Day in and day out..and that girl. . .itʼs in one ear and out the other. Itʼs justa blooming miracle that kid has made it to the age of Six! “
According to the official investigation by the *L.F.A. Sheriffʼs office , Mrs. Redʼs mother had sent over a message asking her
daughter to send over a care basket, as her ingrown hair on her chin was giving her particular trouble that morning. Mrs. Red quickly filled a basket with scrumptious smelling cookies, and some less scrumptious smelling health food.
She unwisely sent her daughter to her Grandmothers house with it, instructing her not to talk to strangers, and to stay on the path and not venture into the forest filled with hungry wolves that might be attracted to the delicious aroma seeping out of the basket. (in all fairness, Mrs. Red was very tired...some of her lack of common sense should be attributed to that. ) she then turned her attention back to her favorite tv Show, “Jack & Jill. . .Live from the Hill!”
Disorder, quickly agreed to the request and then promptly forgot
about it, leading her to venture off the path when she spied wild
flowers she thought would make a nice bouquet.
According to noted child Physiologist , Mother Goose, this is common in children with ADD, and Little Red should not be judged to harshly for this act of disobedience, as her attention span is limited. While picking said flowers a friendly looking wolf ( later identified as Mr. Big B Wolf who had in fact escaped from the locale humane society where he was being treated for his addiction to pork rinds) tried to engage Little Red in conversation about the local flora, and was unsuccessful until he brought up the subject of the divine smells coming from her basket.
Based on information from interviews with Red from the LFA Sheriffs Department, she accidentally told him about the goodies her Mother was sending to her Grandmother. The sly wolf engaged her in a conversation about Grandmaʼs illness, the “Bacon of the Month” club Grandma had received for Christmas, and the fact that Grandmaʼs security system had temporarily been disconnected. He then helpfully gave Little Red instructions on a “short cut” to Grandmaʼs house and suspiciously sped away in the opposite direction.
Here is where the story gets murky. According to Mr. Big B. Wolf's friends and relatives, he was just offering his security services to Grandmother, in exchange for food, until the problems with her alarm
system was fixed. But when his past crimes for blowing down houses and the restraining order set against him from the Hogg family was brought up, they refused to comment any further.
Grandmother Red contends that he knocked on her door and imitated the voice of her young Grand daughter. Once she realized she had been shanghied, he tied her up, stuffed her in the closet, and spent
a few minutes perusing her dresses and nighties. She fell asleep at this point, and has no memory of what happened after that until she was woken up by the police dispatched to her home after incident
Noted Criminologist, Goldie Locks reports that itʼs quite common for criminals to experiment with disguises in this manner, but this does not necessarily rule out that he may have secret desire to become a human woman, as often those who wish to do so arrange to be “caught” in such a manner.
Red: “Grandmother.. your voice sounds so deep this morning”
Wolf: "Itʼs Step throat sweetie.. . .Come a little closer, and I'll share the germs.”
Red: “Grandmother. . . your eyes are so big!”
Wolf: “Contacts, precious! Now I can see you so much better!!!”
Red: “Grandmother. . . Your hands are so big .and hairy”
Wolf:“Hormones Honey! Iʼll wax them later. We can can mani pedi's together. . . come a little closer. . ..”
Red:“Grandma! What big teeth you have!”
Red claims at this time the Wolf said, “The better to EAT you with!!!!” The wolf contends he just said, “You look pretty enough to eat!!!!” At this point, Little Red, realizing she was not in fact conversing
with her beloved Grandmother, grabbed her Motherʼs gluten free whole wheat bread from the the basket and slammed it over the wolfʼs head, knocking him out. Little Red quickly dialed 911, and the
quick responders arrived in time to provide medical treatment for the Wolf and Grandma, as well as take Mr. Big B. Wolf into custody.
The Mr. Big B. Wolf has been locked up at three Bears Penitentiary pending his upcoming trial. Social Services have been working with Little Redʼs parents in giving them parenting classes ( they have concurred, that Red was to young to be given that responsibility, as well to young to be unsupervised) and a nice one bedroom apartment was found for Grandma at the Enchanted Forest Assisted Living Community. And Everyone lived happily ever after. Except for the Wolf. . .
*Land Far Away