“You need to write a new blog””, Thing One told me today. “You haven’t actually written anything new since September.”
“I’ve been a little busy” I mumbled back. I had a needle in my mouth and was surrounded by small snips of thread.
“Clearly”, she replied, with her look of hopeless defeat she’s been wearing since we opened the store. You know the look Patty Hearst wore in her mugshot before they diagnosed her with Stockholm syndrome? I see that look on my kids a lot. It should bother me more than it does.
“Why don’t you guys write a list of things you hate about living with a quilter?” I asked, thinking that ought to buy me a few minutes. Three faces lit up. One hour later I was presented with a two sided, full page list of minor annoyances. (please. I quilt. It’s not like I’m running a drug lab.)
“We ran out of paper” they announced.
Listed below are some of the highlights from their list of complaints, along with my slightly irreverent response.
1. Cat’s and thread do not get along. Solution: Get a dog, or train the cat to leave my thread alone. Why are you dangling the thread in front of the cat anyway??? That stuff is roughly 1 cent a yard!!!
2. “Having to give our mom the once over for thread and fabric clinging to her clothes.” Well let’s face it. It would be more embarrassing if I quilted naked.
3.“ Everything becomes a pincushion” ummm....not everything. Just the doors in the car, my blouse, the couch, the chair, the book I’m reading, pillows, the tissue box, stuffed animals ( if you don’t want me to use them don’t leave them laying around) candles, and sometimes bars of soap. But to date, I have never used their home work (with the exception of the flour baby’s) so...I think everything is a slight exaggeration. Jeesh. Drama drama drama!
4. “Vacations are ruined by visits to Quilt Stores.” Noted. Leave children at home during next vacation. There. Problem solved.
5." Sitting on needles." It’s not like it’s drug paraphinilia .ok. They might have a point with that one.
6. “ The iron is never put away.” It is away. It lives on the ironing board, which is a permanent piece of furniture.
7. “We can’t use the Dining room table because it is covered in fabric.” When you move out I can have your room for a sewing room. Until then, I get the dining room table.
8. “Having the knowledge of a quilter, without actually being a quilter.” Please. Just imagine if I was a doctor. A urologist, for example. You guys have it so easy.
9. “The smell of spray baste.” Again. It’s not like I am manufacturing drugs...Just plug your nose. Or stop breathing.
10. “Quilters kill vacuums......” I resent that. I have only killed two this year.
11. “ Fabric Dust” I grew up in grass seed country. Deal with it.
12. “Always having the lights on for “better lighting” for sewing.” ok. so I am scared of the dark. Maybe some people should be a little less judgy and a little more empathetic. Besides...it’s really hard to do needle turn applique when you can’t see!
13.“ Being able to identify Quilt patterns in movies.” We could be amish. You would be forced to quilt and not ALLOWED to watch movies. Plus you would have like 11 children by now. GRAND BABIES!!!!! Just saying.
14.“ Never being able to find a needle when it would actually be useful.” Did you look in the couch?
15: “All the UFO’s (unfinished objects) and PHD’s. (Projects Half Done.)” It took me 11 years to make your cousins quilt but I got it done, by George, so.......Oh look. Fabric. Wouldn’t that make a cute log cabin?
16. “The number of times we have accidentally sliced ourselves with a rotary cutter.” Ok. Thing two...you had three concussions before kindergarden and NONE of them were quilting related. Thing one....My quilting hobby had absolutely nothing to do with the time you accidentally broke a window with your elbow and needed stitches. Was there a sewing machine or rotary cutter anywhere near you? Thing Three....did my quilting hobby have anything to do with the bead you stuck in your ear when you were three? No. We have insurance. Be grateful!!!!
I love Thing One, Thing Two, and Thing Three. Sew much that I think I will start them all quilts! If I can find the needle I put down somewhere I might even finished them...
*Innocent. They make fun of me for being short. They keep raising the office chair so high I have to use a step ladder to get in. They were shooting at each other with Marshmallow guns in the classroom. So, so innocent